“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi
Over the last few years, during my studies of the human psyche and spirit, the message that was coming through consistently, albeit in many different forms, was that I am perfect as I am; whole, complete and fulfilled. This assumption, of course, didn't only relate to myself but to all that exists: all animals and all plants, all things, all conditions, all circumstances and yes, all humans. This perfection of all that I perceive seemed too far fetched and extravagant and for long was impossible for me to grasp.
It wasn't until I started meditating daily, quietly listening to my own thoughts, that the theory met with felt understanding. In those years, as I tried various guided meditation techniques, including sound baths, frequencies and subliminals, my thoughts would pile up like cars in a fog, causing lots of disturbance. It was really hard as those thoughts were personal to me. They presented facts from my life that I used to use to hurt myself with. To be frank, I hurt others with them too. There were memories, comparisons and judgements about the past and, most painfully, about where I was in my life at that moment in time.
Having read about the idea of the mind being an instrument, rather than my-self, I decided to try to sit quietly, without any distractions to just listen to it. To be honest, I did that in hope that I would hear something whispering some nice things to me for a change. What happened was that after a while I started to recognise the automated need to follow my mind's chatter. (What is this something that observes what happens in the mind?) Little by little, I started noticing that it was my very own response to the thoughts, rather than the thoughts themselves, that was creating felt sensations. Step by step, thought by thought, I allowed myself to let them be - without giving them my responses. Of course, just as much as I could - this is the training.
"No thought is yours, no thought is original - all thoughts are borrowed and not even secondhand, because millions of people have claimed those same thoughts before you. " — Osho
The key that for me unlocked the sensation of a possibility of the perfection of life as it is, was that this concept didn't pertain directly to my individualised physical form or the physical world that I encounter. This wholeness, completeness and fulfilment that I've been reading and hearing about was pointing to this invisible source of the entire organism that we call life, to the world that we are a part of.
The way I picture in my mind the whole of the universe in its infinity is as if it was a mirror. With the big bang I see that mirror smashed into an infinite number of tiny pieces in which all that we know of is being reflected.
You are one of those pieces and I am another.
What this image helps me to visualise and therefore understand is that we are all a part of the same whole, the same source, the same god, same higher self, divine spirit, etc. This realisation of oneness with everything and everyone propelled me to a further glimpse into disassociation from my (observed) identity. If everything is a matrix, then so is my ego.
'You have to die a few times before you can really live.' — Charles Bukowski
There is a great fear in becoming aware. The fear is that of the ego that holds tight to the memories, actions, feelings and projections that make it.
Who would I be without my identity?
How would I move through life?
How would I stay safe?
How would I support myself?
Would anyone love me?
Would I still have a life?
These are clearly factual - however fear based - questions that are true for the identity but not at all disturbing to the source that is the actual connection to life.
There might be a million lifetimes before I am ready to surrender to that source completely. Not only because of my individual path and choices but, as noted in many scriptures, because of the wholeness that we all create. Nobody can become enlightened alone.
Knowing this paints a picture of a perfect circle of life. As the source of me is also the source in you, neither part can come fully into its realisation without the other part. What's more, it would appear that how I see things and people around me is what dictates the level of the collective sense of wholeness and wellbeing. We are connected, we are intertwined and we are all walking each other home.
The most significant takeaway, however, from my studies and meditation practice is that the me that I call by name and see in the mirror is not Me. It's the I that looks through this instrument that I call myself that is the real Me and is with me at all times. This is the presence that is whole and complete, unchangeable and at all times fulfilled.
It takes dying to oneself to accept this. It takes dying to our past identity and future one that was build from it. It takes dying to the fear of being broken, unloved, not good enough and unable in any way. It takes surrendering to the source that is seen as all loving. It takes dying to fear in order to fulfil the already present in us freedom. That is Love.
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